GODAWFUL FAN FICTION

From time to time a site comes along that just seems so obvious, you wish you had thought of it, but at the same time, the process of creating the site and finding its contents would be so tedious you're glad someone else did it for you. The site I'm enthusing about today, Godawful Fan Fiction, is an amazing undertaking. Read the absolute worst fan fiction the net has to offer, pull the particularly wretched bits out, and showcase them for all to see.

Here's a sample, from the site:

Who's on First?

I've seen some pointless shit in my time, but this takes the cake. Imagine Abbot and Costello's "Who's on First?" routine in script form. Now cross out Abbot and Costello and write in Kirk and Spock instead. Why? Good Question!

Spock: Yes Captain. As I said, Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --

Kirk: You know the fellows' names?

Spock: Affirmative.

Kirk: Well, then who's playin' first.

Spock: That is correct.

As bad as the stories we review are, at least they're original. This plagiarized waste of time hasn't even got that going for it.

There's more. Star Wars meets Lion King, (The picture is from fanart.lionking.org) Scully and Buffy get it on, and terrible poetry, ad nauseum. And for the first time I mean the nauseum literally.

THE LOGIC OF CROSSOVERS

Continuity is a fluid, ever expanding thing. Crossovers help to expand continuities in new and interesting ways. Some crossovers are official, and go both ways. When Detective Munch and the cast from the television series Homicide appeared on Law and Order, the producers of both shows made a decision that from now on, two worlds can now be considered to be one world. However, when Detective Munch appeared on The X-Files, the door, to quote Egon Spengler, doesn’t swing both ways. From now, all the events of the shows Homicide and Law and Order can be considered to have happened in the universe of The X-Files, but all the events of The X-Files didn’t necessarily occur in the universe of Homicide and Law and Order.

This is a keen insight, developed by my friend Daniel Ciora, Esquire. He was reacting to an obscure crossover between the shows Knight Rider and Star Trek. I could explain it, but poobala.com does a much better job. Check it out and come back. My friend, when I pointed this out, was distressed. The imagined purity of our beloved Star Trek was tainted by a reckless attempt at a crossover by well-intentioned writers working for a crap TV show. It wasn’t even the original Knight Rider series, but the knock-off sequel. In the end, he pointed out that Star Trek owes nothing to Knight Rider, and even if all the events of Star Trek happen in the Knight Rider universe, we can still be reasonably confident that the events of Knight Rider did not happen in the universe of Star Trek.

I like to think of this as a one-way crossover. If we were to draw a diagram of the crossovers mentioned above, we would draw a line between Homicide and Law and Order, with an arrow at both ends of the line. In the line that stretches between Homicide and The X-Files, we would have an arrow from Homicide pointing to The X-Files, but no arrow going the other way.

(As an aside, I’ve always been struck by the similarity of this kind of thought to certain ideas in theology, especially syncretism. If we look at the history of the Christian church, we’ll see ideas and movements (such as Mithraism) absorbed into Christianity in a sort of two way crossover, and we’ll see religions such as Voodoo borrowing Christian concepts in a one way crossover. Going further, we could see Judaism as Star Trek: The Original Series, Christianity as Star Trek: The Next Generation, and Islam as Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. But that’s beside the point.)

However, despite my friend’s objections, what’s wrong with Knight Rider being a part of Star Trek’s history? Earlier I’ve made the argument that T.J. Hooker is Captain Kirk’s ancestor, based on their physical similarity. Despite Poobala’s comments to the contrary, there’s no reason to think that the science developed in Knight Rider didn’t result in the kinds of computers and robots seen on Star Trek. Technological similarities between series may indicate they are in the same universe.

THE FOUR DOCTORS, OR, DIE HARD WITH AN URKEL

Brent Spiner is best known for portraying the android Data in Star Trek: The Next Generation. Among fans he is also known for playing Data’s “evil” android brother Lore. In the context of the series, the androids were by the brilliant scientist Dr. Noonien "Often-Wrong" Soong, also played by Brent Spiner, under a ton of makeup applied to make him look like an old man. The androids created by Dr. Soong, perhaps in a tinge of hubris, were made to look like a younger Soong.

Later, on the last season of Enterprise, the sad forgotten brother of Star Trek, Brent Spiner was enlisted to play Dr. Arik Soong, a brilliant, if misguided and somewhat evil scientist. Arik was assumed to be an ancestor of Data's creator. It seems that Arik Soong was experimenting with the same kind of genetic science that created Khan Noonien Singh, he who so mercilessly plagued Captain Kirk in the original series episode “Space Seed” and then later returned in the second and still best Star Trek movie, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. It’s interesting to note that Data’s creator and Kirk’s nemesis shared a first name, and an active interest in the Eugenics Wars of the late 1990’s.

Moving back in time from the events in Enterprise (which take place roughly in the years following 2151) we arrive at the year 2005, and find yet another brilliant scientist, played by Brent Spiner, combating an alien menace. Dr. Nigel Fenway was a microbiologist who was responsible for finding a way to stop aliens from rewriting human DNA (alien eugenics?) on the television series Threshold. The series, produced by several Star Trek alumni, never played up on the connection between Dr. Fenway and Soong, but the physical resemblance made it obvious that they were related.

Nine years earlier, the insane Dr. Brackish Okun, lead researcher at Area 51, gave his life to help fend off a major attack on Earth by extraterrestrial invaders. We can assume that much of what we saw in the movie Independence Day was fictionalized and expanded upon, and that the actual invasion was much smaller and localized, but again, the brilliance and physical resemblance between Dr.’s Okun, Fenway and Soong are indisputable. They all come from the same family.

Such familial relationships based on actor portrayals are sometimes obvious (T.J. Hooker is the ancestor of Captain James T. Kirk) and sometimes fatuous (Is Tim O’Hara, as played by Bill Bixby in My Favorite Martian, in any way related to Tom Corbett, as played by Bill Bixby in the Courtship of Eddie’s Father, or to Tony Blake, as played by Bill Bixby in The Magician or to Dr. David Banner, as played by Bill Bixby in The Incredible Hulk?) It stretches credibility, but sometimes actors playing different parts are connected through their roles and the relationship becomes part of continuity.

Lisa Kudrow played a ditzy waitress on the TV series Mad About You starring Helen Hunt and Paul Reiser. When she was cast as a similar character on Friends she was given the name Phoebe Buffay. The two characters were similar, not identical, but they did turn out to be identical twins. When Phoebe’s sister showed up on Friends, she was played by Lisa Kudrow, and became Phoebe’s “evil twin.” She dated Joey, became a porn star under Phoebe’s name (Buffay the Vampire Layer) and will one day become governor of New York.

Much of the groundwork for this kind of theorizing was laid out in The Mad Peck’s seminal article “How J.R. Got Out of the Air Force and What the Derricks Mean.” In this far reaching work (which is a bit faux-Freudian for my tastes) it is effectively argued that Major Nelson, the astronaut from I Dream of Jeannie once made a wish to be a Texas oil millionaire, and through Jeannie’s magics attained this wish, becoming transformed into J.R. Ewing on the popular primetime soap opera Dallas.

This stuff works best in shows that are separated by time, either historical dramas like Little House on the Prairie (so when Michael Landon’s character Charles Phillips “Pa” Ingalls dies, he becomes the angel on Highway to Heaven) or sci-fi shows set in the future (like the aforementioned Star Trek.) Shows with magic or super science work great, because all sorts of weird stuff can happen. It’s also helpful to remember that TV shows and movies present fictionalized dramatizations of actual events, and that oftentimes the same character might be featured on two separate series or movies bearing two different names for copyright reasons.

On the TV series Family Matters, we met Carl Winslow, played by Reginald VelJohnson a police officer and eventually the straight man to the amazing Steve Urkel. Though as a character he is mostly played for laughs, we see some of Carl Winslow’s cop skills in certain episodes: we see him team up with the Urkel-bot to stop a robbery, for instance, but for a real example of his crime fighting skills we have to turn to the Nakatomi Tower terrorist attack in downtown Los Angeles. Because of copyright and trademark issues Carl Winslow was named Sgt. Al Powell, and he, along with John McClane, stopped the nefarious Hans Gruber (as seen in the motion picture Die Hard.)

To be continued...

SCI-FI HALL OF FAME INDUCTS "TREK" CREATOR

Yesterday it was announced that the "Great Bird" Gene Roddenberry, creator of television's Star Trek, was to be among those inducted into the 2007 Science Fiction Hall of Fame. This honor is to recognize the lives, work and legacies of science fiction's premiere contributors and visionaries.

Previous inductees include, Stephen Spielberg, George Lucas, Ursula K. Le Guin, Mary Shelley and Isaac Asimov.

The induction ceremony will be hosted by author Neal Stephenson (Snow Crash, The Diamond Age) and the event will also feature the exhibition, Out of This World: Extraordinary Costumes from Film and Television which will display costumes and props from a number of sci-fi film and television properties (including Star Wars, Blade Runner, Terminator, Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica and Batman).

Among the other inductees are book cover painter Ed Emshwiller, motion picture Director Ridley Scott (Alien, Blade Runner) and author Gene Wolfe (The Fifth Head of Cerberus, The Book of the New Sun)

I was really excited to hear that Roddenberry is being recognized. Ever since I was a lonely high school kid, Star Trek was always among one of my favorite shows. Gene Roddenberry's vision of the future gave me hope. I always looked up to the man who could look through all the craziness in our daily lives and see a future worth working towards. As a slightly less than popular kid I gravitated towards his stories, mostly of overcoming difficulties and accepting new and different cultures. He had a great vision and I'm glad it's being celebrated.

FOG! INTERVIEW - WIL WHEATON

This interview was originally presented on forcesofgood 1.0, October 2004


With his new book, the autobiographical Just a Geek, Wil Wheaton has managed to put his life into perspective. An actor, a writer, a husband, a father, a webmaster and a geek, Wheaton was gracious enough to take some time away from his own site and life to talk to forcesofgood about his past, present and future.

You just released your autobiography, Just A Geek. Did you find it to be a cathartic experience?

Yeah, I did. Just A Geek is all about examining your life, identifying the things you can change, and accepting the things that you can't. I've heard from hundreds of people who've read it, and they consistently tell me that even though a lot of the story takes place on film sets and in auditions, they could relate to the struggle.

Most audiences first saw you in the role of Gordie in Stand By Me. How did you get the part?

The story goes that Rob saw just about every young actor in the country, in a casting process that took several months. I believe that the process of casting the film may have taken longer than actually making the movie. My mom tells this story — and you have to keep in mind that this is my mom telling it, okay? My mom tells this story that Rob saw me early in the casting process, turned to one of the writers and said, “It can't be this easy.” About three months later, I was brought in for call backs, and eventually booked the job. I didn't know it until years later, but I was against Sean Astin for the part of Gordie. Whenever I tell him how envious I am of his work in Rudy, or Lord Of The Rings, he always tells me, “Hey, shut up. You got Stand By Me.”

Describe the experience of working with director Rob Reiner and co-stars River Phoenix, Corey Feldman, Jerry O'Connell, Keifer Sutherland and John Cusack.

Well, my clearest (and fondest) memory associated with Rob is how he always made me feel like I *deserved* to be there on his set. He never made me feel like a stupid kid, and I didn't know how rare that was until I worked with different directors each week on Star Trek. As far as the main cast goes, I was the sensitive and geeky kid in a group of 13 year-old boys, so I was nailed as “the weak one,” who got picked on. It didn't happen all the time, but since it's almost 20 years later and I can remember feeling like I was going to cry on more than one occasion when Corey was teasing me about something, it clearly made an impression.

I didn't hang out with the older kids at all, but I remember that Jerry was *terrified* of Keifer, and I didn't understand why. Keifer seemed kind and professional to me, and I remember that I respected him. Casey Siemaszko was the most friendly and approachable of all the “big kids” on the movie, and I remember that I really thought he was cool. John treated me *exactly* the way I think Denny treated Gordie, which is exactly the way the Big Brother I Never Had treated me in my imagination.

While in your early teens you joined the cast of the very first Star Trek spin-off, The Next Generation. How did you get involved with the series?

I auditioned for the part, just like I did with Stand By Me, and I was lucky enough to get the job. I saw a memo that David Gerrold sent to Bob Justman way back in 1986, where he said that I was a good actor who was currently popular with “teeny-bopper fans,” and suggested that they see me for the role of Wesley, who at that time was supposed to be a girl called “Leslie.” I guess I did something right, because I didn't have to wear a dress when I flew the spaceship.

Was it awkward on The Next Generation being the only teenager on an adult set?

Extremely. I could totally relate to my fellow cast members on a professional level, but on a personal level, I was a kid and they were adults. Because I was around them more than any other people, I did pick up some cool things: Patrick introduced me to classical theatre, Jonathan introduced me to Jazz, and Brent introduced me to some of the great comedians of all time . . . but when I tried to return the favor, I couldn't get my Depeche Mode tapes across the generation gap.

What precipitated your departure from the series?

This is covered in great detail in my book Just A Geek, but the short version is: after they'd made him the one-dimensional ubergenius, the writers didn't do much with my character beyond, “Aye, sir, course laid in.” As an adult, I wouldn't mind that, because it's a nice paycheck for not a lot of work . . . but I was young, and convinced that I had what it took to continue the film career I'd begun with Stand By Me. When the producers blocked me from taking a major role in a major film, apparently because they could, I decided that I needed to get off the show.

Of course, once I was released from my contract, I made a series of decisions that were good for my life, but bad for my career . . . and here I am.

It seems like many fans didn't care for your character Wesley Crusher and Trek fans are notorious for being very vocal. Did the fans disdain bother you?

Well, the number of fans who were vehemently anti-Wesley (and therefore anti-me) were statistically insignificant . . . but I *did* listen to their criticism, and it *did* bother me, a lot. I was already an insecure teenager, and it was very tough when people directed their dislike of a fictional character onto the actor who played him. Shortly after I started my blog, someone gave me a bunch of shit about TNG, and I just blew up about it. In the ensuing explosion, I pointed out that it was just a little bit unfair and unreasonable for these fans to attack *me* for the *character* they didn't like. I remember I said something like, “I was fifteen. Do you actually think that I had *any* input into how my character was written? I just did my best with the material I was given.”

What did you do after you left the series?

I realized that I'd never had a childhood, and that I was dangerously close to becoming everything I hated about Hollywood. So I ran as far away from it as I could: Topeka, Kansas. I spent some time working for a technology company called NewTek, and when I felt like I'd put myself back together emotionally, I came back to Los Angeles and enrolled in a five year acting school to develop my acting abilities. I am a MUCH better and more competent actor now, because of those years, but unfortunately taking that time off really dropped me off the Hollywood radar, and I've been struggling to make it back ever since.

Tell me about the genesis of www.wilwheaton.net.

In June 2000, I joined my best friend Darin for lunch at a Hooters in Old Town Pasadena.

As we were taking our seats, she came over to our table: a cute-but-not-beautiful girl in her early 20s. Bleached-blond, fake tan, long legs. Hooters. Her name tag said “Destiny.” She flirted with us as she took our order, all smiles and giggles.

After taking our order she stopped suddenly, turned around, and came back to our table. She looked at me, lustily. “Can I ask you something?”

She drew a nervous breath, bit down on the corner of her mouth, and asked, breathlessly,"Didn't you used to be an actor?”

“WHAT?! USED TO BE?! I STILL AM!” I hollered, as images of a hot Hooters threesome were replaced with images of myself on Celebrity Boxing.

She immediately knew that she made a mistake. “Oh, I mean, weren't you an actor when you were a kid?”

All I could do was numbly answer,"Yeah, when I was a kid,” as I hung my head and ordered the first of many pints of Guinness.

But the truth was, this simple, scantily clad waitress had driven home with painful acuity my deepest fear: I was a has-been. I “used to be” an actor, when I was a kid. That weekend, my wife was out of town and I found myself in front of my computer, surfing the Internet. And was hit with an inspiration: I would make a website and let the world know that I was still alive and still working.

I wanted to do the whole thing myself, for better or for worse. I didn't want just another lame celebrity website, existing only as a clever promotional tool. I wanted a website that looked more like one of your friend's sites and less like some Big Hollywood Jackass. I had absolutely no idea how to write HTML. I knew nothing of tables, CSS, RSS feeds, and the W3C, so I went to Yahoo! Geocities and created
an account called “tvswilwheaton.” I spent the next few hours using the Yahoo! Pagebuilder, doing a sort of WYSIWYG page design. The result was incredibly lame, but it was mine. I looked at it, edited it, then edited it some more. I was proud of what I'd created and I posted a link to it in a small Wil Wheaton on line fan club and wondered if anyone would care.

People cared. Lots of them. They came by the hundreds, and then by the thousands. They laughed with and at me, and I began to keep a weblog. Just six weeks after I built the lamest web page ever, I opened the site www.wilwheaton.net

Do you now think of yourself as an actor who writes or as a writer who acts?

It depends on what I'm doing on a given day. When I have worked on shows recently, I have to consciously focus myself on acting, because I when I am A Writer, I am constantly recording things: what a room looks, feels, and smells like; how I react to something someone said and how they said it, etc. It's vital for actors to live moment to moment, and react to everything naturally. As a writer, I am constantly looking at the bigger picture, and mentally filing away important details so I can recall them later. Right now, I am a writer who acts. Ask me in a year, and I may have a different answer.

You returned to Trek, filming an ultimately dropped cameo in Star Trek: Nemesis. What was the experience like to return and reunite with your past?

I thought I was very lucky to work on that movie, because it gave me a chance to appreciate everything that I took for granted as a teenager. I know this sounds totally lame, but it was a healing experience.

Have you ever considered combining your talents by writing a Trek novel?

I've thought about it, but I don't have the same passion to write about Star Trek as I do to write about other things. Since I have a finite amount of creative energy, I'd rather put it someplace else.

You're happily married with a family, perform with a comedy troupe and run an extremely successful website. What's next for Wil Wheaton?

I'm a writer and performer in the main sketch comedy company at ACME in Hollywood, and I also perform in the main improv company. I'm fiercely proud of my work with the ACME players, and I'm really excited for two upcoming shows: a sketch comedy show that starts in about two months, and and Improv show that starts a couple of weeks after that.

I'm also working very hard to promote my current book, Just A Geek. I'm a little frustrated, because it's been treated as “Yet Another Celebrity Bio” or “Yet Another Star Trek Book.” That bothers me, because I worked very hard to write a book that was neither of those things. But perception is reality, and as a result, a lot of people who would relate to and enjoy the stories I tell are missing it, so I'm doing everything I can to take it beyond the “Sci-Fi” audience it's been directed toward and get it to the “This American Life” audience where I hope it will be well received.

I still do a little bit of acting work, though that's not my primary focus right now. When I do work, it's mostly on animated shows (I'm the voice of Aqualad on Teen Titans, among other things) or in video games (I'm in the new Ghost Recon 2 game, and another incredibly cool game that I can't talk about until November.)

When I'm not goofing off with my wife, or putting on my Big Boy Pants and being a parent to my stepkids, I spend most of my time writing. Today, I'm about a third of the way finished with the first draft of a novella that I hope to release next Spring. It's fun as hell to work on, because it's fiction, and I can do anything I want with it. I am having the time of my life sitting down at my desk every morning, getting these characters get into trouble, and watching them work their way out of it.


UPDATE:
Since this interview was conducted, Wil has revamped his site and is now posting at http://wilwheaton.typepad.com. In addition, Wil currently portrays Cosmic Boy on the animated Superman and the Legion of Super-Heroes and has appeared as himself on various VH-1 pop culture programs. He will also be contributing a Star Trek story to the second Star Trek manga book.

He continues to be a just a geek.